found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
