Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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