The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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