Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
