sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
