dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
