Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
