I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
