you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
