i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
