He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
