the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
