i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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