I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
