1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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