I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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