Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
