I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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