Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
