That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
