Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
