Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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