I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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