Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
be right there i have to get my cape
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
