i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize