explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
