Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
