I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
