i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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