My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
