just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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