Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
