Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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