This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
