yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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