sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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