o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
