Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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