he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
