my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
