I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
