hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
