chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
