my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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