so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
