I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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