were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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