Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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