i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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