I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
