I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
