I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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