Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
