Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
