My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize