I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
