Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
