I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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