I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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