For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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