i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
