dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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